my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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