She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I have fence marks all over my body
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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