Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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