Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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