kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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