I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
