Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
