those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
