Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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