You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
