I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So much rum. So many feels.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
