My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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