i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think my vagina is haunted
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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