last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
