I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize