the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
