So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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