Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
