I wish I could teleport
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
