If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
