girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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