omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
