you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you never un-have a 4some
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
