I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
