Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
