the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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