I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
