You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
