I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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