No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
