i would punch a child for taco bell
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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