I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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