I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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