I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
