I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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