I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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