WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
