and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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