I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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