I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
