I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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