Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I booty called her while she was in labor.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
