Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
