Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
