Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
