i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
