Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
