i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize