my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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