sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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