Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
