I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
not ubering you a puppy
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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