Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize