I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
