I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
