So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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