i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
