My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
