i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
