I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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