Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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