Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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