So drunk its hurt
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
