The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
