I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
